Nick v. Spider II: The Revenge

I have to tell this story because frankly, it scared the crap out of me.

Background: Eugene might be the spider capital of the world. I’m serious. Just about every place I’ve been to is infested like that house from Arachnophobia. Its actually insane. And as everyone knows I have a very acute and serious fear of spiders. They freak the hell out of me. So knowing that I live with spiders (I’ve seen too many to count in my apartment) and knowing that the new place I am moving to might actually be worse (we don’t go through the front door because the alleyway is COVERED with webs) gives me panic attacks. The only spider that I don’t hate is the one that lives right near my carport – I’ve named him Charlie and he’s huge and has been hanging out in the same place since the day I moved in. We’re cool.

My first run-in with the dreaded Hobo Spider was about three weeks ago. The Hobo Spider (the ugly MF at the top of this post) lives predominantly in the Northwest and is the third most poisonous spider in North America (behind the black widow and brown recluse). I was sitting on my bed, folding clothes when I felt a tickle around my wrist. I turned my forearm around to see what it was and that thing CRAWLED UP MY WARM WITH LIGHTNING SPEED. Ancient, guttural sounds came out of my mouth as I waved my arms frantically around, throwing him on the floor. I ran to the bathroom to grab tissues to kill the beast (for those who think its mean or wrong to kill the spider, well, I don’t care what you think). First I had to stare at the guy for a bit to lock his features into my brain so I could look up on Wikipedia later – you know, just to make sure he was in fact the Hobo I’d been warned about. It took me THREE attempts to kill him … he darted around like Reggie Bush against Fresno State until I finally got him. And that was the last time I saw a Hobo in my apartment …

Until yesterday morning. I had just gotten back from the gym and was going to make myself a protein shake. My blender was soaking in the sink from the shake made the day before, filled to the top with soapy water. As I reached my hand in to pull the blender out, I noticed ANOTHER Hobo Spider just hanging out in the sink. Actually, when I put my hand in he started running around – if he would have stayed still I might not have seen him (my eyesight is that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex apparently). But he did move, and I thought, well, I have a giant blender full of soapy water in my hand … I’m gonna drown the bastard. So I pour about half of the contents directly onto the spider and he curls into a ball, dead. I start to run the water to flush him down the drain and as his limp little body starts to head down the drain he POPS BACK UP AND STARTS TO RUN AWAY FROM THE DRAIN …

Do you understand what I’m dealing with here now? I’m dealing with a …

ZOMBIE HOBO SPIDER!!!!

He was DEAD I tell you. DEAD. But apparently spiders in Oregon have made some pact with Lucifer to not die when having 3 cups of water directly poured onto them. Immediately I spring into action – I turn on the garbage disposal, thus turning my sink into a de-facto Sarlacc pit, pour the rest of the water onto the spider and watch him slowly get pushed down the drain to his death. No zombie spider is going to survive that.

And I was right, he was dead this time. Well, at least he didn’t come back up after a minute (I waited).

So this is just a warning: if you ever decide to come to Oregon to visit, know that undead spiders may be roaming around attempting to eat your brain. It’s a fact.